Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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