Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
