Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
