Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
