Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She told me I should be a condom model.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
