i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
