If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
