Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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