I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Randomize
