I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
