I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I cut my penus on the lid.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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