I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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