I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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