In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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