I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
