I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
