I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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