her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
