census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
