the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
What drink are we having for lunch?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
