Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How's work?
Spinning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
