Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize