I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
