Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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