i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
