we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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