Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
