I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
