my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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