Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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