Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You made out with two different species that night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
