I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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