fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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