Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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