On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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