PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
