the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
