oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
