All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
