I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
