I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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