I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
