I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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