I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
In other news, I just burned my penis
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
