im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize