he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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