Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
