More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize