Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
