Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
