I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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