I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
