Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
