from now on my penis is your penis
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
