if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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