Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
