Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
