tell your sister to shave her snatch
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
