dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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