Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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