After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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