If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
