I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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