We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I enjoy the company of your penis
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
