Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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